Have you ever felt like you've lost a part of who you are? Like something essentially "you" is missing?
I am there. We have had some turmoil in the last few months (mine has been both external and internal) ... the kind that crawls down inside you and snakes its way around your innermost being. The saying is "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" but I don't totally agree with that. Sometimes what doesn't kill you has a way of numbing certain parts of you. It seems you can go about your daily life - laugh, talk, smile - but unknown to those around you, the inner part of you has lost its radiance. The shine inside has lost its sparkle. Its strange, I still like to laugh and smile and make people laugh, but the part of me that really believes in anything has been boxed up and taped shut. I think I put it away to avoid looking at it and contemplating it. I don't think I want to know what the last several months have made of me. Maybe I am afraid. Maybe I realize that when I do take a good look at my inner man, I will be forced to take action ... to look at the different stages of decay, assess them, and tear them out. I'm not sure I can do that right now. I don't want to have to act. I want to stay in this dull numbness and not feel the plethora of emotions that will most assuredly assault me. I am living - but as an actor in my own story. The real me is sitting in the audience, watching the actor, knowing the scenes played before me have so much more depth than the actor playing them realizes. I'm not sure how long I can view the scenes of my life unfolding before me without removing the actor and being who I am ... or was ... or who I was created to be.