This song ....
I can't even tell you how much it speaks to me right now.
Stop holding on and just be held. Gah, we're so frantic for control. We're taught to be strong... to hold it together.... to suck it up.... to figure it out.... to just get it done. Look before you leap, but by gosh, get to leaping! I feel myself doing it... thinking it's all up to me... thinking I have to hold on desperately. My eyes dart frantically around and all I see is storm and potential disaster. I see the wind and the rain and the lightning....I hear the thunder and can practically feel the air sizzling around me. My heart is racing.... my breathing rapid .... I can't do this. I can't stand in this storm and not drown, God. So, I try to anchor things down and control things and run around from one thing to the other testing it.... is this holding up?....is this going to last?.....can I protect this?....can I stop this from getting destroyed??
And I'm choking. Because I'm really not in control.
And you know what I really want? What I think we all want most of the time?
To be held. To have permission to let go. To know without a doubt that He actually does love me. To think that if I let go, He won't let me drop. To think that He'll hold my heart. That against every single thing inside me that believes otherwise, I can exhale and everything won't fall to pieces because it's not all up to me anyway.
As much as I want that, I am terrified of it....because I don't know how to let go....because fear keeps me yanking on the reins... because potential disaster scares the absolute crap out of me.
I think it would be absolutely amazing to be in the middle of my storm....to feel it swirl around me...and in the midst of that, to let go and find that I am actually being held. To find that upon letting go, I won't actually fall!....because it wasn't my grip that was keeping me from drowning...it was Him holding me.
Man, that's hard for me. I want to. I can see it ....in my mind.... the picture is incredible. There's the black, swirling storm ...wind, lightning, rain, thunder....and it's everywhere...there's nothing to hold on to .....there's nowhere to hide.... but, upon looking more closely, there's God.... and you can barely even see the figure of a person because she's so wrapped up in His arms... safe....she's not holding on...she's not panicking....she's not even looking at the storm. She doesn't have to...she's in His arms and she knows she's safe. Doesn't matter what it looks like outside of His embrace. Doesn't matter how loud it screams... how dark it gets.... He's holding her.
Which makes me think....
If He really is holding me.... He's holding me anyway.... even when I feel like I'm the one gripping and panicking and in control. Even when deep down I *know* I'm not in control. If I can let go and just be held, it means He's already holding me.
He's holding me.
Whether I let go or not.
Whether I beg and plead or not.
Whether I realize it or not.
Whether I feel it or not.
Whether I even believe it or not....
He's already holding me.
It's not up to me....It's not contingent upon how much I ask...or exactly how much I let go. It's not like it's up to me to crawl up in His embrace...to pick up His arms and wrap them around me. I just have to realize ...I'm already there. I'm His. He's already holding me. <<<< I just this moment realized that. I think my heart just got about 2 sizes bigger.