Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Type 1 and Type 2 Pain

I have, within the past couple of years, come face to face with two different types of pain.  I know there are more types, but I'm good with not experiencing those any time soon.

The first type of pain wraps itself around you when you are broken or have a need - be it for love, acceptance, and/or forgiveness. Your emotions are raw and relatively visible.  You are constantly reaching.  There is an intense feeling of disappointment, yet a hopefulness that eventually what you need may be found...that it will be will have it in your grasp.  You're a seeker - reading relevant material to better yourself, sharing with others, praying.  You're a believer.  You believe that against all odds, there is a chance that this suffering will end.  Even though this pain is raw and emotional and intense, I nearly prefer it to the next pain....

Type 2 pain can come as a follow-up of Type 1 pain having gone unmet. Hope turns to resignation.  Belief turns to numbness. Seeking turns to defensive maneuvers.  You guard those raw emotions because you realize that you're just standing there bleeding out.  There is no hero swooping in to slay the dragon of longing.. of that deep seeded need. You realize the only way to battle that disappointment is to turn your back on it and thus, your expectations. The pain gets shoved deep inside you - it's no longer learn to bleed in private. The wound scars over but this serves as a visible reminder to the pain and the knowledge that it bleeds yet inside unbeknownst to anyone but you.

I'm sure Type 1 serves a purpose.  It encourages personal growth and a seeker's heart. The second pain I'm not so sure about. Does it provide any growth?  Can it serve in any beneficial capacity?  Perhaps as a honing of your intuition - I don't know. You still have the same longing you had in Type just deny its existence in Type 2.