Thursday, October 9, 2014

God's Not Dead

I feel like my posts circle between homeschooling, homesteading, crafts, humor, and faith.

In this post, I'm back to faith.

I have so struggled with my faith for the past couple (read: at least 3) years. I watched the movie, "God's Not Dead" with my kids tonight.

It was interesting watching the movie because I feel like I can both feel the passion of the young man and empathize with the pain of the professor. Whoa now....easy. Don't call me an atheist, slobber at the mouth, and ban me from Christian society.

I'm a Christian. I've been in the "joy in my soul, mountain moving faith" camp; and, I have been in the "does God even hear me" camp. For the past several years, I've been in the latter camp. Well, that's incorrect. Prior to a couple of years ago, I was in the latter camp. Presently, I feel I have no camp.

I don't want to struggle with my faith. I don't want to have doubts and fears and insecurities. I don't want to give hope to others while saving none for myself. It's not a soul happy place to be in.

If you have read any of my posts, you know I am a preacher's daughter. I was raised in church. I should know that God is good....that He is there even when you don't feel Him...that no matter what you are going through, He is in control.....that He answers prayers. But, sometimes, I feel like the professor when he said that God says no a lot. I feel like such a blasphemous person just typing that. But, I know where it comes from.

It comes from pain.

Pain makes people do some crazy things. I mean, take physical pain.... I have had migraines so bad that I honestly think my head would feel better if it were put in a vise grip and squeezed till it popped. People take all kinds of medication for physical pain.... they will search and search for a remedy...something to ease the torment.

Switch over to emotional/spiritual/mental pain. Short of medicating yourself flat, you have to *feel* it. You have to go about your day, your year, your life, looking perfectly whole on the outside, while struggling with this brokenness inside you. And so you pray...and you follow the formula....well, the one most churches list out:  go to church every time the doors are open, give of your time in every area possible, dress right, speak right, walk right, and don't drink, smoke, or cuss....and your heart is BLEEDING out...and you can't figure out where God is. You can't figure out why this one thing you're praying for (that's Biblically based) isn't happening.

Your mind starts spinning. "It must be me."

"I'm not doing enough."

"I'm not being enough."

"I'm not spiritual enough."

And you hope until you're afraid to hope....because if you exhaust that hope, there's nothing left. So, you bundle up that fragile little feather of hope and you lay it down somewhere so that you know, all hope isn't lost. You aren't actively using it, but you feel like as long as you keep it safe, you still have hope.

But the thing is, I wouldn't even be writing this unless I felt the pull....the desire....the knowledge that He's there. I KNOW He's there....and that scares me a little, because if I know He's there and I know I have a bit of hope lying over in the corner, I know that I could pick that up and tear down this chaffing wall I've built to protect me.


  1. I just stumbled across your blog tonight and I could not read this and then just leave. I tried. I clicked back to my search but then had to come back here. I didn't feel right commenting because I don't know you, I've never read your blog before. But I had to. I just want to hug you. I want to tell you that God does love you. He loves you more than you could ever imagine, more than you love your own children. He knows your pain and he feels it with you. You have to turn back to him and let him heal you. It won't be easy, it could be really, really hard. But you have to. Just go to him, pour out your heart to him and then just be still in his presence. Just feel him wrap his love around you. He will. He is faithful, but you have to give him the chance. I have no idea what caused your pain and I know that it can seem at times that his answer is mostly no. I don't have all the answers but you don't need them. You need His love and it is there for you. He is there for you. Do this for you. Do this because your children and husband need you to. I pray for peace for your heart. Your sister in Christ, Rashel

  2. Ya know, no matter how bad you're hurting or how bad it gets, God will only allow you to be subjected to as much as you can handle based on your personal threshold and your inner strength. But the stronger you are, the worse it sucks, just look at Job. ;-) So maybe your strength of character and your strong faith are why you have had to feel so much pain in your life. I AM fortunate enough to know you and I know a lot of what you've been through and I don't think I could still have that beautiful smile set on autopilot like you always do, ready to brighten rooms and lives wherever you choose to flash it if I'd gone through half of what you have. I know you're having a rough go right now, maybe worse than when you wrote on this blog last but when you least expect it maybe He'll send some unlooked for help your way. You can't know His mind or His mysteries only His love... AND, if you're truly fortunate, the love of others willing to help you bear your burden. Just go where He leads you, follow who He puts in front of you, the rest will sort itself out. <3