Thursday, December 22, 2011

My Buck (Goat) Trapped Me in the Shed. True Story.

I've told you about my buck, right?

Yes.  I

So, the facts that we have established about Jem Dandy thus far are:   number one - he is a buck. number two - he is a big buck. like, a nearly look me in the eye buck.  number three - he smells really, really, really strong that there is a good chance your eyes will water and you'll carry the smell away with you on your clothes and skin if you make any contact with him, whatsoever.  And the smell doesn't just wash off. The fragrance is buck in rut. And I don't even know how to explain it in a way that would do it justice.  number four - he has a pen....that he's supposed to stay in.

Last week, the kids and I were just arriving home from a fun little 4-H rendezvous, laughing and talking....  WAIT.   What tha heck??  WHAT.THA.HECK.IS.JEM.DANDY.DOING.IN.THE.FRONT.YARD? Well, I *know* what he was doing.  He was eating and grazing and LOUNGING. But, *WHY* was he doing it in the front yard?? Imagine the thrill of excitement that washed over me. (Yes, that's it...imagine it starting with a tingling in my brain and ending with a cramp in the first knuckle of the pinky toe on my left foot.) 

I go in the house, change clothes, and mentally prepare myself by doing some Karate Kid moves. Wax on, Wax off.  Wax on.....

My first thought was, Hey...I can sooo do this.  I'll just get some feed in my little pail, and he'll follow me right up to his the BACK yard...UP the little hill.... and to the LEFT. So, I get the pail, walk toward him and lo and behold, he walks toward me.  I'm feeling so Mr. Miyagi (Karate Kid's teacher). Then I realize that he's only following the girls.  My milk goat is very well trained.  She'll walk up the fence line to the milk stand. He was simply walking up the fence line because she was....NOT because I was Mr. Miyagi-esqe. And since he wasn't actually following me, guess what happened when Annie stopped at the milk stand?  HE stopped at the milk stand.  Which is a good (oh, I hate guesstimating distances) 20-25 feet from his pen.  DANG!  Now I have a dilemma.  So, I try to coax him further with the feed pail. Nothing doing. I decided to get the leash, hook it on his collar, and lead him up to the a civilized manner. AS SOON AS I put the leash on him, he goes all gangsta...starts shaking his head, backing up, and raring like he's going to butt me.  I was NOT excited.  I might have yelped.  I am loathe to admit that some of my "I can sooo do this" faltered.  I reach over very s-l-o-w-l-y and unhook the leash from his collar...but, he's already feeling antsy...and he comes after me... for all of the world looking like he wants to hit me.  With his head.  On my body. And make it hurt.  You wanna know what I did?  *Blush*

I turned and hid in the shed.  :)   Ok.  *Technically* I just wandered inside the shed, and sorta closed the door behind me.  Because...I wanted to... you know...look around a bit and see if it needed cleaning.  The fact that Jem was on the other side of the door sniffing it had absolutely nothing to do with me choosing to be penned inside.  Nothing at all.  So, I peek out the door and there he is.  DANG!  I just KNEW he was going to butt the door and pop it open. And then I'd be trapped.  And have to wrestle him to the floor.  Absolutely.  So, I screamed.... just to warn him.  And realized I had my phone.  So, while I'm waiting, I think, ohhhh...wonder if I can get on facebook on my tracfone??  (yes, I have tracfone.  I'll wait while you snort, spit your drink out, and clean off your monitor.) Everybody knows nothing *really* happens till you post it on facebook.  Wonder of all wonders!!  I was able to comment on my post on facebook.  It took FOREVER...but, hey...I'm trapped in a goat shed...what else is there to do??

About this time, my oldest son comes outside armed with a bbgun....he pops him in the rear a few times (from a considerable distance) and I'm able to leave the shed.  Yeah...I was finished, anyway.   Jem runs from the bbgun ping on his hindquarters and is now acting a tad more nervous.  Malachi thought we should go inside and just leave him.  HECK, NO!  Be outdone by a *goat*??  NEVER!  I remember that goats like evergreens, so I find a little cedar tree and break out the top.  Walking up to Jem, I rubbed it on his nose, and he started following me trying to get a bite.  Yay!  This might work!!  He follows me up the hill and I'm feelin' pretty fly. I'm freakin' winning!! :) And then he stops at the trash...sees a box...and a plastic bag full of plastic bags.  *Sigh* He pulls the bags out and starts butting and hitting and throwing them everywhere.  I'm not sure if it was just the sound he liked, or what?  So, I grab the box, a plastic bag, and am still holding the cedar tree top.  And I begin luring him again.  He figured out how to get the bag out of my hand...knocked it around...and then looked bored again and walked BACK down to the bottom of the hill.  I keep knocking him on the nose with the cedar and luring him back to the top.  I did this about forty five and three-fourths times.  And it was getting really old. And my hand was breaking out from cedar irritation.  And Malachi almost shot me with the bbgun. And I was beginning to wonder if I *could* do this.  And started getting weird.

Do you have any idea how goats mate tease let each other know they want to mate??  Well, the female will get in front of the buck, flip her tail in his face, and walk off a few feet.  He'll follow her and she'll continue doing the same thing.  This gets him all excited and his upper lip will curl, he'll make guttural, grunting noises and lick his tongue out.  You know how I was doing that thing with the cedar branch?  You know...flipping it in his face and then walking off a few feet?  FLIPPING IT IN HIS FACE AND WALKING OFF A FEW FEET.  (let that sink in) OH.MY.GAH.  Yes.  Exactly.

He started talking to me and licking his tongue out.  *I faint*

I would flip the cedar in his face and he would just stand stock still.  And then freakin lunge at me while doing the grunting noise and trying to lick - NOT THE CEDAR BRANCH, BUT UNDER THE BRANCH.  *cringe*  I was dying.  And I can't quit.  Because it's working.  He's following me.  BUT FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS. VERY WRONG REASONS.

I had to continue teasing my buck goat all the way to his pen.  I was finally standing inside his pen and he wouldn't come any farther than the gate.  So, I do a little lunging of my own, grab his collar, and pull him in with me.  Wait.  I pulled him inside the pen with me.  I think the cedar was getting to me.  I laid the box down for him. (Yes...I was STILL holding the box.  It gave me some distance between me and his tongue.) I backed out of the pen...he peed on his face in triumph...or despair?  I don't know....and our dance was done.  WHEW.  Color me relieved.  And violated. Slightly.  I needed a shower.

I did find some nails and attempted to fix the fence where I thought he was getting out.  He came over to me and looked at me with his big goat eyes and licked at me once more.  I think we bonded, actually.  I just never want to flip him on the nose with anything. EVER. again.   :)


  1. OMG! I am laughing my tookus off! My husband came to see what I was laughing about and I had to read it to him so he could laugh with me. SO sounds like something that would happen to me. Thanks for the laugh!

  2. OMG, this is one of the best told stories I've ever read! I was laughing so hard all three kids came to see what I was doing. Thanks for the pick me up!