Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I Am Going to Sit Down For 20 Minutes Without Getting Up...When I'm 98

This is a Mommy vent...  If you do not have children....If you have never talked to a talkative child (I mean, listened to a talkative child).... If you believe that children are to be seen and not heard....  If you are a meanie and think that you have perfect children, please discontinue reading and go back to your rainbow world with rivers of chocolate and sterile little bubbles...

Meanwhile....here in the real world.....

Where I live, several of the local theaters have free movies during the summer.  It's a great idea.  I can go and indulge my kids in one big popcorn and one big drink for $8.50 for them to share.  No...I do not make my own popcorn and sneak it inside in my pocketbook.  **** OH, wait...speaking of which... am I really backward?  I mean, is it fairly obvious that I spend nearly all of my time milking a goat, toting water buckets, picking blueberries...or cucumbers...or tomatoes....or whatever?  Because I say pocketbook.  Is that no longer "cool" terminology?  because I have received a few looks.  Am I supposed to be saying "purse" now?  Is "pocketbook" still socially acceptable?  ****  ok, I'm done...
So, anyway...I do not sneak homemade popcorn inside the movie theater in my pocketbook...er, purse... dang..you know what I'm talking about...
Because for one...the free movie is at 9:30 AM....like, in the morning.  Meaning I would have to leave somewhere in the area of 8:45/8:55 to get there early enough to have our popcorn and be in our seats by the time the movie starts.  Aha. Aha.
So, this morning, everyone is ready and out the door by 9:08...that's what the clock said...but, I knew it wasn't really that time because I set my clocks fast...so, I'll think it's later than it is...so, I'll be prompted to hurry... only I know the clocks are set ahead, so I can factor in how much time I really have...except that I'm not only ALWAYS running behind, I'm also bad at math...so, when the clock says 9:08 and I think that it's around 12 minutes fast, I get confused and end up calling time and temperature on my cell and then I know what time it REALLY is....nevermind.
Okay...so, we get to the movie and of course it has already started ..and it was The Last Airbender..(I know..that's an old movie.  Didn't you get the FREE part?)  The beginning of TLA shows a black screen with white words on it....meaning, that the entire theater was pitch black and so, I was walking in this unattractive haltingly cumbersome gait trying to follow the lights across the front and up the steps... and then we couldn't see the seats.  AT ALL.  So, then I have to pretend that we are enjoying the movie from the side..  leaning on the railing ... just me and my four kids...chilling on the side... and FINALLY the screen lights up and we can pick a seat... but, I did it all slow...like, "oh...I guess we can sit down now..if y'all want..."
So, Isaac is really good about the first 30 minutes...thanks to the popcorn.  And then he wants to sit on my lap..  and snuggle...and pull my head down and whisper to me...and point to the projector thingie at the back of the theater...and pull my hair over his head...and pull my head down again...and kiss me... like one of those loud, smoochy kisses...and then pull my head down again...which is all really, really sweet...because he is my love ... but, after about 30 minutes, you want to smooth your hair down that now looks like a porcupine and come up for air...only, I didn't because only an hour had passed and there was still some movie left.
So, anyway...  when we got home, I had the beginnings of a little headache going on....and I still hadn't done my farm chores (because I'm really NOT a crack of dawn farm girl) so, I just wanted a moment of silence.  Just one.  But, I couldn't get it.  So, I went in my room and shut the door and said I was changing my clothes.  It took me a really, really long time.  Like, a really really really really long time.  And Sarah comes to the door and says, "Mom, are you done YET?"
"No, honey...still changing."
"How long does it take you?"
And then the phone rang....
"No, thank you, Mrs. (Local Newspaper), I repeat...I do NOT want to order at this time...even if the deal is so great that *normal* people wouldn't pass it up."
And then Isaac yells, "MOM!  Can I get in the T-A-R *pool*?"  (No, my three year old can NOT spell...the thing is...the older ones would spell out pool on occasion when they didn't want to get in but they knew if they SAID "pool" Isaac would want to get in and beg them to get in with them...  only, he figured out what they were saying based on context...  so, now he thinks he has to spell it when he says it...only he doesn't know how to spell it...)
So, I say...fine..I'll go outside and sit while he gets in *after choring, of course*...
choring is done and I'm sitting in my chair..  with my book ...which is about the spanish inquisition...which you know all about if you have kids...haha...
and then there are honeybees in the pool, so I get up and scoop those out...and sit back down.
and then there is another honeybee in the pool, so I get up ...and sit back down.
and then he wants to get out and have a snack and I'm like, yes!  they can all eat a snack and I'll relax.
and then it occurs to me that our new puppy has decided to go trotting off into the neighbor's yard...
     so, I get one of my beautiful children to go fetch her...and sit back down.
and then I realize she ran straight back to their yard...so, I get said child to get her again....and tell them to pet her and maybe she'll love us and want to behave.  (Sorry, brief trip to rainbow world)
so, we put her in her fence ...and I sit back down.
and then Isaac wants back in the pool, so I convince his siblings to get back with him...  and I sit back down.
and then Isaac gets out of the pool and goes in the house ALONE so, I plead with a beautiful child to check on him...
and he returns with BAD intel...not bad in the sense of inaccurate, but bad in the sense of "this don't look good'...apparently, there was a poop trail ....
sigh.  I GET UP.
My poor, poor love was very distraught.  apparently, he had some belly turmoil and it decided that regardless of conventional etiquette, it would decorate the hardwood kitchen floor...and leave a trail ON THE CARPET from the kitchen to the bathroom...and there decorate the walls while he was trying to sling his drawers off.  sigh.  
I comfort my distraught angel...clean him off...and send him back out to the pool.  And I clean the ...belly turmoil.
And then it's 5 pm and I say, "okay.  I'm setting the timer on the microwave for 15 minutes. I would like to sit outside and read for 15 minutes without interruption.  Can someone get me when it goes off?"  (Because I know that I will have 15 minutes to get the easy supper I have planned at least started and NOT look like I've been sitting all day..  SITTING ALL DAY.  RIGHT)
So, I sit down ....and in about 10 minutes, beautiful child comes outside and says, "Isaac peed in his pants.  Can I have a snack?"
***He was only joking about the peeing in the pants.
***He was not joking about the snack.

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