I did eventually find some solitude... although it wasn't on a mountain top, at dusk, with the breeze kissing my face... it was hiding out in the barn, during a thunderstorm, watching the wind blow the tops of the pines... either one works for me... so long as there is solitude. :)
As I sat, alone, musing over the intricacies of life, I was struck with the thought of how different a person I am from just this time last year. Some of the changes I see as positive....some I am still contemplating ...
*** I am definitely not as uptight. I don't hang on to as many fears and worries.
*** I have way less patience for "religion"... of course, this is not to imply that I am "impatient" with it.. but rather have a lack of concern in general. By "religion", I mean the motions, the rituals, the organization, the big band, the "right" way to do it.....
*** I am still idealistic and love "happy"...but I realize that underneath all the pretty colors lies a cold, hard steel. I just figure you might as well brace yourself for the difficult stuff, but all the while savoring the kaleidoscope of colors.
*** I see people differently. I am much more ready to overlook faults and differences. As this applies to looking at my own person has been interesting. Overlooking faults in others is more simple...it is their journey...their road. But, my journey must be more closely observed, for it is...MY journey. I find it hard to be content with my faults...but yet, I have finally come to the point where I find trying to be all things to all people is just absurd. I'm still learning how to balance those two... accepting personal faults while still striving to be what you want to be.... Allowing yourself to be human, but not losing your drive. That is difficult for me. I tend to want things to be one or the other. Instead, it's a balancing act.
*** I don't know if I've always been this way regarding the next change or not...seems like I remember inclinations toward it... My heart swells with the beauty I see in people - yet, I feel at any given moment, even a true friend would betray me if push came to shove. It's weird... I am, therefore, both overjoyed and saddened by the beauty I see in others. ... Maybe as I've come to discover the light and dark in myself, it makes me more intensely aware of its existence in others..... The existence of that beautiful, shining goodness that coexists with the baser, still, darkness... Perhaps that is it...
*** I have come to view myself as human. I know ... that sounds ridiculous...but it has taken me 33 years to realize that, dare I say it????.... I deserve a few breaks, too. I don't always have to be the one everybody counts on. I'm human. I make mistakes like everyone else and that doesn't mean I'm not acceptable....no...it means I'm human.
*** I have become both more content, and more discontent. I am content to no longer argue anything theologically. I just no longer feel I have answers that will hold water. Besides, for every theological discussion, there is so much speculation. I've grown tired of it. I no longer feel the need to defend every little thing I was taught. Heck, I don't even believe some of the things I was taught anymore. And yet, I am more content that that some things are true and need no defense....and the things that are of the upmost importance... well, they stand strong without any input from me.
I am content with my daily life... most days. I like farm stuff and raising my children. I like homeschooling....wouldn't have it any other way. I like being married.
I have become discontent with mediocre emotion. I like love out loud. I appreciate emotion in full color....it calls to me....it is the rainbow of life. This is not to say that I expect responsibility and levelheadedness to cease to exist. - but just to live and love vibrantly...to let your heart expand and splash its contents joyously.