Have you ever felt like you've lost a part of who you are? Like something essentially "you" is missing?
I am there. We have had some turmoil in the last few months (mine has been both external and internal) ... the kind that crawls down inside you and snakes its way around your innermost being. The saying is "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" but I don't totally agree with that. Sometimes what doesn't kill you has a way of numbing certain parts of you. It seems you can go about your daily life - laugh, talk, smile - but unknown to those around you, the inner part of you has lost its radiance. The shine inside has lost its sparkle. Its strange, I still like to laugh and smile and make people laugh, but the part of me that really believes in anything has been boxed up and taped shut. I think I put it away to avoid looking at it and contemplating it. I don't think I want to know what the last several months have made of me. Maybe I am afraid. Maybe I realize that when I do take a good look at my inner man, I will be forced to take action ... to look at the different stages of decay, assess them, and tear them out. I'm not sure I can do that right now. I don't want to have to act. I want to stay in this dull numbness and not feel the plethora of emotions that will most assuredly assault me. I am living - but as an actor in my own story. The real me is sitting in the audience, watching the actor, knowing the scenes played before me have so much more depth than the actor playing them realizes. I'm not sure how long I can view the scenes of my life unfolding before me without removing the actor and being who I am ... or was ... or who I was created to be.
HONEY, I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN YOUR NITEMARE; AND I HAVE FOUND THAT ONLY GUT RETCHIHNG CRIES FROM THE HEART AT LEAST ONCE A DAY WILL CLEANSE THE INSIDE OF ME FROM HEAD TO TOE. AND ITS AN EVERDAY THING; I START BY COUNTING MY BLESSING TIL I AM IN TEARS OF GRATITUDE TO MY LORD AND SAVIOUR--THE BEST FRIEND IN EVERWAY THAT I HAVE EVER FOUND. THEN AS I MELT MYSELF INTO HIS PRESENCE, I FEEL THAT COMFORT, PEACE, ASSURANCE AND WHOLENESS THAT I CAN FIND NO WHERE ELSE. BUT----I HAVE TO FEED THE SPIRIT OFTEN, SEE HE THRIVES ON WORSHIP SONGS TO THE SON OF GOD THAT DIED ON THE CROSS FOR ME. SOMETIMES I TELL MYSELF JUST ONE OLDIE OR JAZZ WILL SPUNK ME UP AND GET ME GOING AND THEN AFTER I HAVE FELT THE BURST OF ENERGY THE MUSIC GAVE ME, IT ENDS WITH THE SONG---BUT I CAN LISTEN TO NUMEROUS FAVORITES THAT BRING ME INTO THE WORSHIP AND PRAISE OF MY LORD; THE GOOD SHEPHERD OF MY LIFE AND THE FEELING GOES TO THE DEPTH OF MY BEING AND STAYS THERE AND I JUST CRAVE MORE. MICHELLE LONG LONG STORY SHORTENED; THE VERY THING THAT HAS YOU TAPED INSIDE THAT BOX DOES NOT WANT YOU TO START KICKING YOUR WAY OUT OF IT AND INTO THE SONSHINE. YOU WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE THESE DARK FEELINGS AND IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE AND SHUT YOUR FAMILY AWAY FROM YOU; YOU MUST FIGHT OR JUST SIT AND LOOK ON; YOU HAVE ENOUGH OF ME INSIDE YOU TO REBEL AGAINST ANYTHING THAT KEEPS YOU FROM WHAT YOU NEED AND WANT TO THE FULLEST IN YOUR LIFE AND THAT OF YOUR FAMILY. SO KICK, CRY, SCREAM AND GET YOURSELF OUT OF THE BOX AND THROW YOUR ARMS OUT AND MAKE WINGS OF THEM AND FLY LIKE THE EAGLE YOU ARE AND NOT THE SPARROW IN THE CAGE. I LOVE YOU EXTREMELY AND I'M PRAYING FOR YOU. MARM
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