Just Be Held

This song ....

I can't even tell you how much it speaks to me right now.

Stop holding on and just be held. Gah, we're so frantic for control. We're taught to be strong... to hold it together.... to suck it up.... to figure it out.... to just get it done. Look before you leap, but by gosh, get to leaping! I feel myself doing it... thinking it's all up to me... thinking I have to hold on desperately. My eyes dart frantically around and all I see is storm and potential disaster. I see the wind and the rain and the lightning....I hear the thunder and can practically feel the air sizzling around me. My heart is racing.... my breathing rapid .... I can't do this. I can't stand in this storm and not drown, God. So, I try to anchor things down and control things and run around from one thing to the other testing it.... is this holding up?....is this going to last?.....can I protect this?....can I stop this from getting destroyed??

And I'm choking. Because I'm really not in control.

And you know what I really want?  What I think we all want most of the time?

To be held. To have permission to let go. To know without a doubt that He actually does love me. To think that if I let go, He won't let me drop. To think that He'll hold my heart. That against every single thing inside me that believes otherwise, I can exhale and everything won't fall to pieces because it's not all up to me anyway.

As much as I want that, I am terrified of it....because I don't know how to let go....because fear keeps me yanking on the reins... because potential disaster scares the absolute crap out of me.

I think it would be absolutely amazing to be in the middle of my storm....to feel it swirl around me...and in the midst of that, to let go and find that I am actually being held. To find that upon letting go, I won't actually fall!....because it wasn't my grip that was keeping me from drowning...it was Him holding me.

Man, that's hard for me. I want to. I can see it ....in my mind....  the picture is incredible. There's the black, swirling storm ...wind, lightning, rain, thunder....and it's everywhere...there's nothing to hold on to .....there's nowhere to hide.... but, upon looking more closely, there's God.... and you can barely even see the figure of a person because she's so wrapped up in His arms... safe....she's not holding on...she's not panicking....she's not even looking at the storm. She doesn't have to...she's in His arms and she knows she's safe. Doesn't matter what it looks like outside of His embrace. Doesn't matter how loud it screams... how dark it gets.... He's holding her.

Which makes me think....

If He really is holding me.... He's holding me anyway.... even when I feel like I'm the one gripping and panicking and in control. Even when deep down I *know* I'm not in control. If I can let go and just be held, it means He's already holding me.

He's holding me.

Whether I let go or not.

Whether I beg and plead or not.

Whether I realize it or not.

Whether I feel it or not.

Whether I even believe it or not....

He's already holding me.

It's not up to me....It's not contingent upon how much I ask...or exactly how much I let go. It's not like it's up to me to crawl up in His embrace...to pick up His arms and wrap them around me.  I just have to realize ...I'm already there. I'm His. He's already holding me. <<<< I just this moment realized that. I think my heart just got about 2 sizes bigger.

God's Not Dead

I feel like my posts circle between homeschooling, homesteading, crafts, humor, and faith.

In this post, I'm back to faith.

I have so struggled with my faith for the past couple (read: at least 3) years. I watched the movie, "God's Not Dead" with my kids tonight.

It was interesting watching the movie because I feel like I can both feel the passion of the young man and empathize with the pain of the professor. Whoa now....easy. Don't call me an atheist, slobber at the mouth, and ban me from Christian society.

I'm a Christian. I've been in the "joy in my soul, mountain moving faith" camp; and, I have been in the "does God even hear me" camp. For the past several years, I've been in the latter camp. Well, that's incorrect. Prior to a couple of years ago, I was in the latter camp. Presently, I feel I have no camp.

I don't want to struggle with my faith. I don't want to have doubts and fears and insecurities. I don't want to give hope to others while saving none for myself. It's not a soul happy place to be in.

If you have read any of my posts, you know I am a preacher's daughter. I was raised in church. I should know that God is good....that He is there even when you don't feel Him...that no matter what you are going through, He is in control.....that He answers prayers. But, sometimes, I feel like the professor when he said that God says no a lot. I feel like such a blasphemous person just typing that. But, I know where it comes from.

It comes from pain.

Pain makes people do some crazy things. I mean, take physical pain.... I have had migraines so bad that I honestly think my head would feel better if it were put in a vise grip and squeezed till it popped. People take all kinds of medication for physical pain.... they will search and search for a remedy...something to ease the torment.

Switch over to emotional/spiritual/mental pain. Short of medicating yourself flat, you have to *feel* it. You have to go about your day, your year, your life, looking perfectly whole on the outside, while struggling with this brokenness inside you. And so you pray...and you follow the formula....well, the one most churches list out:  go to church every time the doors are open, give of your time in every area possible, dress right, speak right, walk right, and don't drink, smoke, or cuss....and your heart is BLEEDING out...and you can't figure out where God is. You can't figure out why this one thing you're praying for (that's Biblically based) isn't happening.

Your mind starts spinning. "It must be me."

"I'm not doing enough."

"I'm not being enough."

"I'm not spiritual enough."

And you hope until you're afraid to hope....because if you exhaust that hope, there's nothing left. So, you bundle up that fragile little feather of hope and you lay it down somewhere so that you know, all hope isn't lost. You aren't actively using it, but you feel like as long as you keep it safe, you still have hope.

But the thing is, I wouldn't even be writing this unless I felt the pull....the desire....the knowledge that He's there. I KNOW He's there....and that scares me a little, because if I know He's there and I know I have a bit of hope lying over in the corner, I know that I could pick that up and tear down this chaffing wall I've built to protect me.

New Thoughts on an Old Song "Come Thou Fount"

So, I was listening to Come Thou Fount. There's one phrase that struck me as though it was the first time I had ever heard it - "Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee" It doesn't say, "let thy punishment and disgust and hate bind my wandering heart to thee" .... it's saying that when my heart wanders, and wow, does it EVER, repeatedly, daily, ALL.THE.TIME. (because I am so far from perfect I can't even see the measuring stick of perfection, seriously)...anyway...it's saying when my heart wanders, it's His goodness that draws me back and binds my heart to Him. No matter how far I wander, He actually does still love me. Which is weird, I have a really hard time grasping that. I assume a lot that when I suck and I'm totally a crappy person, that I can expect disgust and hate and total disappointment from Him and so *I* turn away so I don't see it. But, what is amazing is that He doesn't change. I'm not saying I'm totally swimming in that knowledge, because I'd be lying... It's really, really hard for me to fathom unconditional love. The only way I can ever get my thoughts around it is to think of my love for my children. There is nothing they could do to make me hate them or turn away from them. And if that love is human and faulty, then ....wow. So, anyway, it's His goodness that pulls your wandering heart back... not His hatred and disapproval. Put that in your cider and mull over it.<3 br="">

A Wii Cake for My Little Gamer Niece

I was excited to get a request for a Wii cake....complete with a controller and a game!

The console is complete cake.

The controller is fondant covered rice krispy treat.

The game is fondant only.











 

Skylanders Birthday Cake

This is a smaller Skylanders Cake ....  the figures appeared before my eyes in the fondant! ;)

Giant Cupcakes! Nomnomnom

These giant cupcakes were SO much fun to make!! The bottom is made with melted candy wafers painted on the inside of the cupcake mold bottom.  You then sit it in the fridge to let it harden and it slides right now. I love the look of a sleek clean cupcake "liner" and the icing flowers on top.











I wanted this one to resemble a basket of flowers instead of a cupcake!










And this is the Diva cake! Feathers, bling, jewels, flowers, and sparkles...





In love with the way this flower turned out...  <3 alt="" class="spotlight" height="480" img="" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1.0-9/528825_4908703089726_1481686349_n.jpg" width="640">

A Rubber Ducky Cake Meets.....the Mafia!

I had an order for a rubber ducky themed cake. I was instructed to make it however I wanted. Since it was for a man, I thought I would steer away from the typical rubber duckies in a tub theme.  Then it came to me... Mafia Rubber Duckies!



These ducks mean business...right down to their cigars, fedoras, and Tommy Gun.  The "Boss" obviously doesn't *wish* him a happy birthday, but insists that he does. ;)

 

Skylanders Confectionery

When my sweet little love asked for a Skylanders cake for his birthday, of course my response was, yes, love!  Followed by a trail of sweat sneaking down my temples as the thought of shaping Skylanders figures with fondant snaked its way through my brain.
I found the figures he wanted and began studying them. And sweating some more. And eventually decided to just dive in...
This is what I can up with!
I apologize for the poor quality of the pictures...



This is a picture of the game piece and the fondant figure that I made. I think it turned out pretty well!

















 

Angry Birds...Happy Tummy

This is probably one of my favorite cakes that I've made....loved shaping the birds and piggies!






 

It's Mario! in a cake....

During my hiatus from bloggng, I was heavily immersed in cake baking.  I got an order for a Mario themed cake and couldn't wait to get to work!  I loved playing Mario as a child. It's really the only game I can claim any "fame" to.  And since I was the second born, I never actually got to be Mario...I was always Luigi.
However, years later all of that Luigi play helped me experience one of the greatest moments of motherhood....I totally RULED when I played old school Mario against my gamer son.  He was in awe of his mother's superior talent. I may have embellished there a bit, but you get the picture! MOM was on FIRE! :D



Can't forget the mushroom guy and coin blocks!






 

Froggy Went A'Courting and He Did Ride...Mmmm, Hhmmm

Have you heard that song?  My daddy used to sing it when I was a child.

Well, I had some very photogenic froggies show up in my backyard. They must have all been getting ready for some serious courting that night because they were taking time to just chill by the pool and relax all day.

Talking over their plans for the night.... where's the best place to find bugs...most moonlight for romantic endeavors... where all the girls will be....you know...frog stuff....



This brave fellow climbed up on my hand for some one on one counseling. He's shy sometimes and misses his chance to chat with the ladies.... I assured him that the right one would love him for his quiet, gentle nature.



The other guy.. yeah, him.... he hadn't a care in the world. Super sure of himself and ready to begin the night!




The next guy, you could call the thinker.  His date will be well thought out and complete with flowers, wine, and a nice dinner. He's got it all covered, baby. Hmmm.... now what shall he wear?  Tails and a top hat, perhaps?



The last guy represented here is the one who is so scared he'll actually see a girl and she'll try to talk to him that he can't pry his little sticky fingers from the cold hard wood. Shiver!! just the thought!!! 

 

My Son, the Incredibly Enormously Super Cute Human Bobble Head

So, my son was holding this darling little kitten and I was snapping pictures from all directions because ...HELLO?!?!?!?!  cute kid + kitten = slobbering, glaze eyed adorableness!!  As I was looking back through my pictures, I found this. THIS.PICTURE. One of my favorite EVER pictures. I get a sugar high every time I look at it.

Can you even stand the cuteness?!?!?! I can't quit looking.

The Making of a Simple Spindle

Notice the title of this post says, "the making of a simple spindle"...NOT, the SIMPLE making of a spindle. Because, you can run into problems making a simple spindle...that's all I'm going to say.

So, the lady who shared her knowledge of shearing with me also shared her knowledge of spinning. She spins her sheep's wool and makes super cute things with it. If I'm going to shear my sheep, then HECK, YEAH~ I wanna spin it, too!

It's actually incredibly easy in theory...you just need a dowel with a sharp point, a round disk, and a hook. See?  EASY!

But then you introduce my....er...capabilities to the equation and it becomes a bit more complicated.

I don't know how to use all those Dremel, jigsaw, etc, etc cutting tools (some day I DO plan to learn, though) so, I decided to go to Lowes and get one of those handy dandy things that you put on the end of your drill and it cuts a circle. How freaking cool is that???  It CUTS a circle out of wood using your drill. I love it!

I pick up my dowel, hook, and circle cutter thing and head home all in a flurry of excitement and relentless anticipation.

Look how beautifully the circle cutter fits on the drill. So exciting!  So, I found this big ole board (I only needed a very small circle...don't ask me why I needed such a large board.)  I even have safety glasses. Because, you know...safety first, loves.

Front view because I find it amazing that you can cut circles with a drill.


I begin cutting the circle and I'm all excited and then the dang drill battery dies. So, right in the middle of my euphoria, I have to stop and recharge the drill. The horror!!!  FINALLY, I get the cicle cut completely out, start to insert my dowel and dang if the hole isn't too small. BUT, all is not lost as I am most conveniently holding a drill!

 I insert the drill bit into the hole, and start drilling to enlarge the hole and OH.MY.GAH. my drill bit got stuck in the circle. REALLY??

I pulled. I tugged. I reverse drilled to back it out. I leaned it on the edge of the table and yanked. I slang worded it. I got one of my children to hold it while I pulled. It WOULD not come off. Ridiculous. Ab-so-lute-ly ridiculous. 

I tried everything. Finally, someone told me to stand on the wood and reverse drill and it worked and I wasn't stuck with a drilled bitted circle. :)

I inserted the dowel into the circle, put in the hook, and VOILA!  A bona fide, handmade spindle!  LOVE~~


Now, to sharpen the end, wash some wool, and get to spinning! 

On Shearing.....

It has been established that the sheep needed shearing.

I learned to milk a goat from a handy dandy YouTube video....but, I'm thinking shearing a sheep sounds a little more traumatic if you do it wrong.  Thanks to Facebook, I got in touch with some super nice folks who volunteered to come to MY HOUSE and teach me to shear my sheep.  How awesome is that?  I thought that kind of friendship extension and willingness to share homesteading skills to that level of accommodation was extinct. So, a voluminous, glitter infused shout out to the kind folks at Luckyewe Farm for saving my sheep from a possible societal wreck of a haircut :)

They arrived and brought their shears... and then it was time to catch the sheep. The sheep who are very hard to pet, much less hold. Aha Aha. That was interesting. After much chasing, lunging, chasing, lunging, chasing, lunging.....you get the picture....we managed to corner a sheep and get it up on a table to be sheared. I say "we" but y'all know I didn't pick up that sheep....  I played construction worker and leaned on something while watching someone else lift it. hahahaha...  sorry, sorry..
I love construction workers...not everyone can make a two man job appear to be a fifteen man job. hahaha

I really don't know where those jokes came from. I really have no problem with construction workers.  :)   Anyway.....

They got out the shears and went to work on the first one. I watched. and watched. and watched. And was REALLY itching to do something....so, they said I could get the scissors and trim around their faces. Man, was I happy to get to be hands on. And THEN - they asked if I wanted to try shearing. YESSSS!!!!

 

                                                             THAT was awesome!!

                           
                                       The amount of wool that came off was AMAZING!

                                  And did you know, that because of the lanolin in the wool,
                                 when you get finished your hands are super soft and moisturized...
                                  and it smells really good....

                            I absolutely adored the new learning experience!  It was wonderful
                           having such great teachers. Made my first shearing a memorable
                           experience.

 

 They look quite different, don't they?  Foot loose and fancy free :)

New on the Farm: Feeling a Little Sheepish

Wow. How long has it been?  I really wanted to blog...and then I got distracted....a couple of times multiplied by infinity. When I finally had a moment of quiet to myself at night, I sorta glazed over...there was nothing left.

But, I'm putting an end to that.RIGHT.NOW.DANGGIT.

I'm going to start by telling you about my brand new farm animals. Okay... not absolutely brand new because they've been here since the summer...but, they're new to you and that's what matters. I'll bring you up to date slowly....

A homeschooling friend of mine told me that she had some sheep she wanted to get rid of and asked me if I wanted them. Ummm... does my unicorn prance on rainbows??  Heck, yes, I want your sheep!  So, she tells me that someone gave them to her and they need to be sheared and they aren't very pet-able. Have I ever sheared a sheep? No. Petted a sheep? No. Been a sheep whisperer? No. Was I deterred? Absolutely not!  :)

The sheep were delivered and I was ecstatic!  I've always wanted sheep.. so, I could touch them. They're so FLUFFY!!  Come to find out, they aren't so much fluffy as they are ...THICK.  wow!  Wool is some thick, thick, yummy smelling stuff. Yes. I said yummy smelling. Did you know that lanolin comes from sheep's wool?!  How did I NOT know that??

Seriously... these are some cute sheep...and they're Baby Doll sheep... which makes them even cuter..having that cute name and all.

                      Look at those faces!!!  Obviously, it's been awhile since they had been
                      sheared. But, the cuteness!!!  

  
                            
                    The male is in front. He was very wary of me. Not sure if it was the hair....
                    the boots....the tiny bucket when he clearly deserved more...

           
                 And it proves true in every species... the way to a man's heart is through his
                 stomach.  I actually got to pet him!!!  There is nothing like sinking your
                fingers into some Baby Doll sheep wool!!

                        My son managed to get them close enough to pet, as well. Perhaps, I
                        should dub him, "sheep whisperer"....

                          The female sheep... she gazes across the field with pursed lips....
                          "now y'all gonna have me a nice warm bed of hay, or what?"

                        The male sheep..with his fringe of hair validating the fact that he is
                        the epitome of sheep coolness. "where's my crib, yo?"

                        Some of that bravado slipped when the goats walked up. "we'll just
                        be down here checking out the foliage."

                    Goats just don't care. You can be mid-hug and if they're done, they're done.